hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
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