i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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