well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
