ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
