turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
