your thong is hanging out like whoa
this boner is exhausting
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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