he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
