well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
