im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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