2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
