I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Randomize
