According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
