So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
