never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
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