So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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