you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
