Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
