At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Randomize
