Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
He has the fingertips of a God
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