im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Randomize
