I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Watching her eat just hurts me
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
