i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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