She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize
