I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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