tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
