I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
