anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Randomize
