So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
