your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
How does it feel to date your dad?
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
