Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
