He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
