i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
