I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
