I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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