Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
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