Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
