Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
