You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Randomize
