i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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