Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
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