When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
