party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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