So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Randomize