the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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