Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Sex in the backyard? Check.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
