chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
