hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I'm both gender and math confused
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
