Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
