U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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