We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
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