i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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