somebody snuck up and got me drunk
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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