We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
