i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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