my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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