tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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