I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
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